And he asked me, "Do you know how to make a difference in the world yet?"
"...yeah" I whispered.
"How?"
"I think it's moment by moment, one second at a time. A smile, a small gesture, a thank you. I think it's one person at a time. I think it's leaving every situation with honesty, purity, knowing in that instant you were selfless, kind, that you cared. I think it's being confident with who you are and who you would like to become, and taking it one step at a time, one person at a time, and that maybe one day you'll look back and realize that you are exactly what you were striving for."
After to much silence he held my head and said, "And if you like it or not, this may suck to hear....but you've been that person for me,and you embody all you've said there.. I'm not putting you on a pedestal, not at all but yer trying"
"I guess, I guess," I said looking away, "I just don't want anyone to see what I saw, go where I went, I want to save the world from what I couldn't be saved from."

So I decided I want to keep this thing realll up to date. Cuz I'd like to keep a journal of what I'm doing in my life, and handwriting stuff really sucks and as my sister reminded me, I lose everything.

So I have been an RA this semester. We moved in after a real boring summer break, and for RA training I got here 10 days early. It was rough living in a dorm without AC at that point in the summer, but I got through it, and became good friends with my boss/hall director Marshall. When I met him last year we didn't really connect at all, but this year he's become one of the best friends I have here at school. We both have the same stupid sense of humor, can communicate well, have similar values, and just generally get along. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met, and really enjoy spending time with him, hearing his strong opinions on all sorts of things. He lives as a "straight-edge", which I had never heard of before meeting him. Its a youth movement which identifies with some heavier music and is all about not drinking, using drugs, or having promiscuous sex. I have those things as big parts of my own values, and while the music certainly doesn't speak to me, I think it's cool to see an adult as outspoken and proud about a lifestyle like the one I have chosen.

Through the RA job I've really learned a lot about myself as a person. While I felt like this semester has been sort of a waste academically, I keep reminding myself how huge it has been in my growth and development of myself, and who I want to become. I've been really open with people, and really have not been afraid of them thinking I'm weird for voicing my own opinions and feelings. Of course, I try not to step on any toes in the process, but I have really stepped up and told people about my morals and values in terms of drinking and sex and it seems like for the most part people seem to really respect not only how I feel about those things, but also how I'm willing to tell them how I feel.

I had a girlfriend this semester, named Sam. We had a lot of fun together, but it really went downhill fast and she was the one who actively ended it. While I knew that it probably wouldn't work out down the road, I had seen it lasting longer than a month, but it was fun while it lasted. We really connected and could talk to each other about stuff that we really didn't feel comfortable talking about with almost anyone else, which was the real strength of the relationship, and I feel pretty confidently that I know I can bring open communication to any relationship for the rest of my life. The problem came when we started realizing how little we had in common, and how different we were in most departments. (She doesn't even think thats what she said jokes are funny. Big red flag! haha). I had tried to see some sort of way of working through that, but it really just wasn't worth it. When it ended she said how we should maybe just be really close friends, since we had talked about stuff that she hadn't talked about openly with her parents or her best friends growing up. But when things ended, it bothered me that she didn't value that connection as strongly as I did, since it obviously would take a hit by being together less often and caring less. Since then the friends thing has been a headache, and today I started wondering when the last time was that we spent any time together and I honestly enjoyed it. While that feeling sucks, I know that she isn't right for me, and that I don't want to get back together with her at all. All I really miss is having someone like that around who cares a lot about the stupid things you do on a daily basis. But all in due time I suppose.

While mentioning communication, I should also bring up that this semester I decided to change majors. Last year, the communications courses were all the basic stuff, and while I felt like I was getting nothing out of it, I though that this year it'd finally start going somewhere. Then I took two higher level communication classes, dropped one and still didn't enjoy the other, and still had that sinking feeling of not really thinking I was learning anything at all. At the end of the semester, I was doing a group project in that class and kept changing topics to try to find something that the teacher really wanted us to do, and that alone felt like such a waste. Then I talked to my group, and several seniors in the major told me they felt that they hadn't learned anything useful or worthwhile still, and they were graduating. Then I started questioning what it was I missed about learning, and in reality it was learning things that are accepted facts, problem solving, and right answers. Not stupid essay questions where a professor can circle a sentence and just write "-6" above it. So I'm changing into the math and sciences school, and couldn't be more excited. It may result in summer classes or an extra semester somewhere, but its exciting. I could see a math major, physics major, or electrical engineering (!). While I don't know which major is right for me, I feel completely confident that communications was wrong, and I needed to be out of it. Making a big change like that was scary, but its so refreshing to come through it.

Even more crazy is how quickly things have changed. Last month alone I was a communications major with a girlfriend, and was slacking on his RA job. Now I've rededicated to the job, changed majors, and gotten my ass dumped. Its a real whirlwind, but it is kind of fun to wonder what each day holds ahead. Which leads to my winter break. This semester has been fun and changed me as a person, but my course load was a joke, along with how much work I had to do for it. I really haven't had to work much in school in 2 years now, and I'm so psyched to be overwhelmed next semester, and struggle with learning new things. What I don't need right now is a break, away from all the people that have influenced my life's changes this semester. So I'm not exactly psyched to go home for break, but it will be interesting to see how things are between old friends, where I feel I've become more comfortable and aware of who I am. I was about to write "I feel I've changed so much," but I don't think it has been a change of who I am, just realizing who I really am and the person that I want to be.

I'll probably update again very soon, since there is still so much more to talk about from this semester, and as I said, who knows what tomorrow holds? I move out of my dorm tomorrow once the last stragglers leave, which will be nice, since all the closest friends I've made this year in the dorm are already home. Its depressing here with the dorm so empty, but its such a weird feeling to reflect back on RA training. I was given a list of names and made nametags for each door, and had no idea the types of people I'd be meeting, or the effects they'd all have on my life. That was the last time the dorm was this empty. Now, I miss so many of them, and some left just 4 hours ago. The good thing about the dorm and being at UNH is that some of my new friends are from bedford and manchester, and I hope to spend plenty of time with them over break. Tomorrow, after moving out, I'll go home for the night, then sunday my friends Khanh and Gabbie from Manchester are driving me to our friend Cam's ski cottage(?) in waterville valley for a couple of days. I can't wait!

Feel free to comment or not. I assume nobody reads this site anymore, but it's always cool to hear from anyone still out there!

I was reading back over some old entries, and realized how much I miss this. I think I'll start writing in it again as soon as tomorrow.

What a pointless update huh? haha

writing soon
-Josh